Ever awoken to the feeling of, “All is well”? I’m talking about a deep and solid knowing that everything is going to work out, regardless of what the current circumstances look like?
Currently, we are in the midst of a global pandemic. I have swung the full gambit of the pendulum, from believing there is a global, governmental conspiracy, to just being at peace with staying home and being on my own with my immediate family. Within this tumultuous, emotional whirlpool, we are still living our everyday lives. Our lives don’t stop because we’re collectively going through something else.
During Covid, I have lost three family members to death. First, my cousin passed away from a cardiac arrest. She is only one month older than me. She lives in a different province, and at the time of her passing, no inter-provincial travel was allowed. Yes, we could get special permission for funerals, but I don’t live in a first world country, with easy access to the powers that be to grant these permissions. It was just too much at the time. Her immediate family, had their own private and quiet affair.
Two months later, her brother, not three years older than her, also passed away. His circumstances were somewhat different. sadly, he was an addict and after many family issues and drama, which is common in the life of an addict, he was ‘disowned’ by his siblings and took to the streets. During the early months of the pandemic, as many homeless people as possible, were housed in shelters. He passed away in such a shelter, under what conditions, I have no idea. He has not been a part of my life since for the past 25+ years, so although I felt a sense of sadness, it didn’t really touch me personally. My sadness was more linked to his life choices and to the fact that his death was solitary and lonely. My sadness was also linked to his surviving half-brother, who experienced deep anguish and pain and guilt, although we all know, given the opportunity to make different choices regarding his drug-addicted brother, he would possibly again choose the same way.
Just yesterday, my aunt who was married to my mother’s oldest brother, lost her second husband to cancer, renal failure and eventual total organ failure. This death reminded me of my mother’s. He was released from hospital, where he’d spent two weeks, of which 10 days, he was ventilated. He was Covid-free. He was released into his wife’s care on Sunday, and passed away peacefully, with her holding his hand and caressing him with love, just yesterday, two short days after arriving back home. One evening, in the beginning of his hospitalisation, she, my aunt, contacted me, distraught with concern that she would never see him again. We’d just received the news that he had developed pneumonia and due to his weakened state of health, was ventilated. She was advised to prepare for the worst. As we all know, no visitors were permitted to see him during his time in hospital. This was her greatest cause for concern. She didn’t want him to die surrounded by strangers who might not be able to take the time to just ‘be’ with him when he passed from this realm to the next. We spoke for an hour and I tried to allay her fears, by reminding her that all of this was out of her control. I counselled her to remain positive and to trust that there would be someone who would have the time to sit with him and hold his hand. I am ever grateful that he was able to be released from hospital and be able to die at home, surrounded by love and people who care.
So this morning, I am surprised that I have woken up feeling lighter in spirit. It is my daughter’s 29th birthday today. My husband woke up early and I’m a light sleeper so 4am it was then. We were able to sing to my daughter and shower her with gifts I know she loved. My heart feels free and at peace. Amidst the uncertainty of 2020, amidst unemployment, amidst not knowing if the buyers for our home will qualify for finance, amidst being concerned for my son, daughter and granddaughter about where they will live and how they will cope next year once we move away… Amidst all this uncertainty, I know that all will turn out well. I just know…