9 April 2020
On Tuesday I wrote about creating memories through experiences and that post stayed with me until now. We want to paint our walls during the lockdown, because we now have time. I am washing the walls with sugar soap before we can paint them. The rest of my family try to stay as far away as possible from me, because I am known to ask for coffee if I catch someone’s eye. So I had a lot of time to think. Is it possible to find our truth through experiences, or parts of our truth at least?
We discover our likes and dislikes by trying out things. For example, theme parks. I hate them. Through experiencing theme parks, I realised a few things about myself. I have no problem whirling around on the spinning ride. I don’t get nauseous and I find it quite exhilarating. The one and only thought I can muster through a very high anxiety haze on any of the other rides is: “I am definitely going to die!!!” And then I don’t, but it feels as if I went to hell. One other big thing that I learned about myself is that I don’t do good in crowds. All the movement and noise drains my energy and after two hours I can hardly speak coherently. Likes and dislikes are easy to identify. We usually know instinctively that feelings of high anxiety is bad and and that we don’t like it. Except for adrenaline junkies and I cannot relate to their experiences – at all. What if we go deeper?
When I visited theme parks (never again), the thing that triggered a big reaction in me, was people trying to persuade me to go on a ride. They start off by asking nicely, then they want you to believe how much fun it is – how much you will enjoy it. Even if you had tried it already and hated it. The next step is trying to guilt you into it by making you feel like a spoil sport and lastly, if that doesn’t work, they say you have no courage and they treat you like an outsider. All in the hope that you might want to go to hell again. People pushing me to do something that I really don’t want to, infuriates me. What does this say about me?
Growing up in the 80’s, we were always anti-establisment. South Africa was very conservative in those days and we were heavily censored by the government. They decided what we saw, what we listened to and what we should think. They controlled our lives and we were always pushing back. I realise now that we didn’t have any real power to take responsibility for our lives. The government, the church and our parents made decisions that affected us deeply. Okay, now I’m going deeper still. I lived a double life for very long. I could disagree with you ardently, but you would never know it. I would just keep it all inside and submit to your energy. That is how I felt all my life. Going along with whatever plans were being made and suppressing my truth.
Not anymore! I gained a lot of perspective by going to theme parks. I will not give up who I am to fit into anyone else’s plans or life. If we can’t find a compromise, I won’t submit just to get things moving or to keep the peace. Experiences will most certainly reveal truth, if you are open to it. So, when I visit a theme park again (never), I will whirl on the spinning ride and then go sit somewhere and be grateful that a part of my truth was revealed to me while I thought I was going to die.